We apologize for the contents of this list. However, we are impressed
by its thoroughness. ]
THE DEFINITIVE SHIT LIST
[ The following was found in Max's suite, on the wall of the bathroom
above the toilet. It had been filled out by many people over a
long period of time-- it was apparently a "log," but let's not
go there.
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet
paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl,
but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So
you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear
so you don't ruin them with skidmarks.
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit." You have to
strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically
have a stroke.
No explanation necessary.
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it
down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the
toilet brush.
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom
of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your
guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
Also known as the "Power Dump." The kind that comes out of your
ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet
water.
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same
time, burns your tender poop-chute.
A class all its own.
A shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have
to show it to someone before flushing.
Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shit allows
you to be your old self again.
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with the aid of a newspaper.
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.
Any shit created in the presence of another person.
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
A shit that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage
in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution
is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.
Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting
it there.
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with
you. Requires patience and muscle control.
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
Inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal)
or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position... Usually harmless.
Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to
the Drinker's Shit.
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either
in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your
car.
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift
from God when you actually can't shit.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Fear of shitting. Can be fatal! [Editor's note: shouldn't it be "Shitzophobia"?]
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants
down and you're done.
This shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
Lincoln Log shit.)
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's
got to be coming out sideways.
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape
and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air
space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it
piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides
of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
Also sometimes known as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don't
warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand
innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging
and gasping for air.
You sit there patiently, waiting for the last cling-on to fall
because if you wipe now, it's just going to smear all over the
place.
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